Passing Ships

Yesterday was good. Yesterday helped.

Yesterday the wife and I spent time together. Real time. Affectionate time. We addressed the fact that there hasn’t been a feeling of intimacy between us lately. She confessed that she’s been scared; that she’s not good enough, that I’ll want someone else, that she won’t be enough. She admitted that these fears have made her closed off and distant.

And I listened. And I comforted her, and we embraced. And things became better.

But better doesn’t mean solved. We didn’t discuss mono v. poly, although there were allusions to the schism. When I comforted her, I was honest at all times; that I love her, that I want to commit my life to her, that more than anything want us to be together and in love for the rest of our lives. All of this was true, and all of this was what she needed to hear.

But I don’t know if she thinks that this means I’m “done” with looking into poly. That this was just some notion that occurred to me and I entertained it for a short while as a hypothetical. This is far from the case. And last night was not the proper time to delve into all of this. And right now isn’t either. After some extended strain and distance- both physical and emotional- what we both need right now is closeness and togetherness. Simplicity in each other.

So there will be a time for these important conversations. And we will have a lot to talk about, a lot to process, and plenty to reflect upon. But for now, let’s just enjoy what we have, where we are with each other.

Tonight, with our re-won closeness and connection, the wife shared with me something that is right out of the heart of one of my prior posts here on this blog. And I did my best to echo back her sentiments and share some of mine, but I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, allow myself to tell her everything about what she was saying, how much I had thought over this exact same thing. How we are so, so similar, so right for each other. As long as we can work through the divide, through our difference in relationship needs.

Someday her and I will talk about all of this. And I’ll show her that blog post specifically. Show her that it was written weeks before she turned her mind to it, yet it was something we both shared unwittingly. And I will hope that small examples like this will help reassure her doubts and fears that my love for her is no less real, no less meaningful, than it always has been for her. Change doesn’t mean that she is less in my life, just that my life has room for more as well.

The Moment Where I Maybe Come Unhinged

A confusing, disappointing morning several days back has really put me into a tailspin mentally.

I’m never going to be normal, I’m never going to feel and think what mainstream society says or expects I should. Which I don’t actually care about (for me), but I do care in the sense that it will matter to my potential partners. If they feel the same as the larger society, than that means I’ll be abnormal to them as well. I’m not going to feel complete in a storybook romance.

Just because I feel loved, doesn’t mean I have all the love I need. Just because I have someone to love, doesn’t mean my heart is full. I can be poly, monogamous, and happy at the same time, but there is an upper bound, a limit to that happiness. Monogamy in our relationship  does not cause me unhappiness, but it does leave me feeling wanting.

Now I realize and know about what it is I don’t have in my life, what I am missing for me. And it makes me a little sad, I am already mourning things I think will never happen for me. It’s just not enough.

None of us get do overs in life. I have so many damn things I truly wish I could do over, entire years I want to change, but I can’t. And now I don’t want to spend my future years beating myself up and agonizing over the past years I can never change. I want to look ahead, to build a fuller and happier life, and I want to do that openly and honestly, with you by my side.

I don’t have a bonding off-switch. Many (most?) people search and strive for a partner, and once they have it, that need to search goes away, or goes quiet. Not for me. When I am in a romantic relationship, that doesn’t complete or satisfy me in the way I guess it does most people. I still feel the want to connect with others, I still get an amazing, life-affirming rush when I catch a woman’s attention or make her laugh in that true way. I still have desires. I still want new experiences and continually growing connections and love.

The sort of love that society promotes feels very zero-sum to me. And that’s kind of how our relationship has been structured too. Not that I want it to be, but that’s how it feels. Before, this was 100% on me, bottled up. Now it’s 50/50, with me having shared my thoughts and now keeping quiet and not pushing the issue, and you going about figuring out how you feel and working through it. But I don’t want it to become 100% the other way, that it’s something you agree to for me but secretly and silently it kills you and eats away at you. So I guess we remain at the 50/50 with no changes for the foreseeable future.

And for many, many, many years I had made myself believe that all of these feelings were wrong, that I was wrong. And so I pushed them down, pushed them away, told myself that it was wrong and inappropriate to want the things that I wanted. That I was the problem.

Now? I don’t want to be the problem anymore. I don’t want to be wrong. Instead of living a life where I have to constrain myself and chastise myself, I just don’t want to do that anymore. So I want to choose to be honest. I want to choose to listen to myself. And I want to find a way in life where I can do that.

Wow, I have more to rant, more on my mind, more that has been on my mind for a long time, but I don’t want this one post to become an insane man’s manifesto. So I’ll cut it here for today, and I’ll keep thinking on the rest.

Bad Headspace

The last few days have been tough. Just haven’t been feeling great about where I’m at, what may happen in the future, about everything.

I know that I should be focusing on the positives and be appreciative of what I have, that negativity won’t help anything and in fact I can see it’s just making things a little worse. But I can’t help it, when you’re the one in it, it’s hard to be the one to pull out of it until it runs its course.

Anyway, I love to write on here, and share with the world and sometimes even get comments (which only grows the conversation and increases my joy and feeling of connectivity to others), but the way I’ve been feeling has blocked me from wanting to-from being able to-write anything down.

Really ready for my next therapist appointment on Tuesday, really looking to connect and talk with any of you out there. Right now the collective “you” and my therapist are the only two people in the world I can talk to about this, and about how I truly feel, and so I just want to say thank you for giving me this safe space to be myself.

The Dangers of Veto Thinking

So, I already know I don’t want a veto, I don’t want to be subject to a veto, and I don’t want anyone I care about to be subject to a veto. The entire idea that people could have such crucial decisions made for them, dictated to them, is not okay. I won’t agree to it.

But, even though I knew I felt this way, I still wanted to read the chapter on Veto anyway to gain a fuller understanding and perspective on the matter. And while reading this section, something hit me in a separate but important way.

One of the strongest counter arguments to a veto is that why would you want to deny someone you love from happiness? If they are in a relationship with someone else, particularly in a circumstance in which you might not be thrilled about it, the fact that they still want to stay in that relationship demonstrates that it provides them with something and has real value to them. Instead of imposing your unilateral will upon the two of them and ending things, wouldn’t it be better to talk openly with your partner about what it is that is upsetting you, what he feels he gains from the other relationship, and how you two might better be able to make the arrangement work?

In short, if this makes your partner happy, and you love your partner and want him to be happy, then you should communicate with him, not decide for him. That’s the essence of one argument against vetoes.

For me, this lays out a similar analogy for my entire relationship with my spouse. I’m pretty quickly coming to terms with the fact that I am poly; it’s how I feel, it’s who I am. I can make decisions about my actions, but I’m going to feel what I feel.

My wife (it seems to both of us, at present) is inclined entirely towards monogamy. The idea of engaging in other arrangements seems unnatural to her, certainly not something she’s sought out. 

Perhaps you see the analogy now.

I believe that exploring and practicing a poly lifestyle would make me happier. I am not unhappy now, but I could be happier. I hope that after much communication, trust building, love, and support, my wife will be able to get to a place in which she doesn’t oppose* the opportunity for me to be poly because she understands that it would bring me additional happiness. I, for my part, want to figure this out in a way by which we work out together how this might take place. I don’t intend to throw up my hands and say “you said I could be poly, so now I can do anything I want and you have to support it!” No, not at all like that.

Let’s not approach any of this from a veto mindset, that we have to restrain or force decisions on the other. Let’s instead talk openly and truthfully about what we can and cannot handle, and what we want for our respective future happiness.

*When I first wrote this, I naturally wrote it as “she doesn’t restrict me”. But right away that struck me as wrong somehow. So I sat with it, I mulled it over for a moment, and then I realized that she can’t do anything to force my actions, I choose how I will act and I have to own up to that. This was a big step for me in self-actualization. I realize now, it’s been bored into me, that I have to own my decisions and my experiences, good and bad, as things I choose and things I consent to. Definitely didn’t have this perspective before very recently. Personal growth!

Truth Bombs

So I’ve endeavored these past months to figure out who I am, what I want, what I have to offer others, and many other similar questions, and there have been a number of helpful resources in exploring these areas. Reddit, blogs, several websites, and also some books available at your local library!

One resource though is worthy of special recognition, and it’s the book More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.

More Than Two, available through Amazon

I’ve been working my way through the book this past week, and when an unexpected road trip came about this last weekend, I downloaded the audio book through a free trial so that I could continue with the subject matter when reading wasn’t an option.

Cut to today, walking back from lunch, listening to the audiobook with my earbuds, and me saying “yessssss” out loud to no one in particular. I was at a part in the book about coming out as poly when you’re in an established mono relationship, and about advice and guidance for mono/poly relationships. And as I heard these things, and they struck me as so obvious, so natural, so much of what I want and what I think I could handle responsibly, it was all I could do to limit myself only to saying “yessssss” as I passed by strangers, rather than screaming my agreement to the heavens.

This road won’t be easy. It certainly won’t be painless. But so much of what I heard really resonated with me in a deep and honest way. I don’t want to overstate that this book is now my bible, but it’s certainly become a guidebook that I intend to revisit often (perhaps even weekly) as I embark and progress through the path ahead.

Your mileage may vary and all the rest, but I also want to point out that there is a lot of great content in here too which is applicable to any relationship, with lots of useful advice for being a good and loving person in the world as you interact with anyone, romantically or not. Anyway, unpaid endorsement is over. Just wanted to gush for a minute.

Quid Pro Quo

Well, this weekend sure didn’t go as expected. The wife has been out of town on and off for awhile for family, and the weekend was shaping up to be a quiet, dull, and somewhat restful weekend.

But then, as I was running errands and sitting down to lunch Saturday, my wife texted me and let me know that she was having a really difficult time. As we texted back and forth, and I ate my lunch quickly, in my head I was already cataloging what I needed to grab from home for me and the dog so that we could get in the car and be there for her.

As I got to the house, she stated that she didn’t want me to have to drive all the way (7-8 hours each direction), especially when we’re traveling to the same place next weekend for a wedding. I told her that it wasn’t even a question, that pup and I are already on our way, and we’ll be there as soon as we can.

Over the past few months I’ve been going to therapy, and in working on myself I’ve also counterintuitively become better with others. This past week my Amazon order of the poly guide book More Than Two came in and I’ve also been devouring that in my quiet evenings while I’ve had the house to myself.

Yes, I want a poly relationship, it’s what feels like the best vision of my happiness, but I also know that this is scary and perhaps a bridge too far for my wife. As More Than Two has done a great job explaining, most fears or restrictions in a relationship actually have a much more fundamental issue to them, different than the item being discussed.

With my wife’s trepidation, I can guess that some of it stems from a concern that she will no longer be important to me, that I won’t support her in the way she needs. What I want to get across to her is that she isn’t going anywhere, she’s not losing my heart, my affection, or my love. She is still the first woman I fell in love with, my partner through thick and thin, and the woman I married.

I didn’t get in the car today hoping that if I do this for her, maybe she’ll feel obliged to me; that she owes me. I got in the car because I knew she needed me. I got in the car because I wanted to do whatever I could to support her, even if it was a temporary burden on me. Our relationship isn’t about who owes who, it’s about how can we build a happy, healthy, loving, and supportive life for each other, together.

Yes, if someday I also have a girlfriend in addition to our marriage, it’s true that I’ll owe my time in an additional way. And that sometimes my attention will be elsewhere. But that doesn’t mean she will be pushed out or won’t be important.

In all honesty, with the yearning I have for new experiences, for NRE, for additional connections, I think having these things will make me happier to be around, with more energy, more passion, and more excitement that I can share with everyone. Not only that, but she’d have a special place that no one else could, because she was the one that chose to love me and to trust me enough to put her faith in me and agree to open up what we had previously agreed was a monogamous relationship.

So no, please understand that I didn’t do this today to get anything from you. I did this because I love you. I have, and I always will.

Being Your Own Protector

“When we transfer responsibility for our emotions to others, we yield control over our own lives.” -More Than Two

I am the controlling, dominant one in the relationship. But this isn’t borne from aggression or hostility, it’s from me being a more resolute person who pushes for what I want. In my career, in my hobbies and interests, in our relationship. My wife, conversely (and somewhat necessarily) is a pleaser and a compromiser whose first instinct is often to yield to what others want.

Over the course of our relationship, she has gotten better with self-esteem and with asking for things and believing that she deserves them (which she does). Much more recently, I’ve started to get better with listening, communicating, and putting others before me (thanks therapy!).

But I need to recognize that while I need to keep working on getting better in compromising and hearing her out, that doesn’t mean that I need to, or should, turn over my wants or my emotional well-being to her. I can trust in her, I can lean on her, but ultimately I need to make sure that I understand that I have to be responsible for myself and for how I feel. 

And in some way, if I fail to get something I need or desire, if I never even get close, that’s because I let it slip past, not because anyone took it from me.

Not In a Good Place Tonight

So I know from what I’ve been reading that the whole point of a relationship is that what makes it real and meaningful is that you open up and put yourself in place where you’re vulnerable or where you can be hurt.

And I know that these sorts of issues and this pain only has more complexity if more than one relationship is involved.

But I also realize that I have to look after myself and lead towards what I want in life, otherwise I’m similarly choosing to let these things pass me by. It’s not my job or my responsibility to manage others or decide what they need or what will keep them from hurting.

Anyway, this is a stupid post and mostly just a rant. Goodnight all.

What’s In Your Head (In Your Heaaaaaaad)?

Zombie. Zombie. Zombie-ie-ie.

Another song. Not really related to anything poly though. Sorry.

I’m sure I’m not alone in sometimes needing to just put on music and to mentally slip away for awhile. Some people might consider it meditation. Others processing. Whatever it is, I use this same coping mechanism too.

What I think might be slightly different though, is that instead of finding the right song and turning it down, I need to turn it up to 11 and really drown myself in the sound of it all. If I have on tranquil, soothing music at a low volume, I’ll be relaxed, sure, but my mind isn’t going to do much of anything, just get sleepy and calm. My long since adopted process is to find the song I need (lots of energy, commotion, probably down-tuned guitars) and turn it up as high as I can take it so that it almost becomes a steady white noise to my brain.

Today I had the urge to listen to “Zombie”, and so on my walk back from lunch I cranked the volume and put Spotify on repeat. I didn’t have any breakthroughs, there were no massive revelations, I don’t think I even thought about all that much, but what it created was a safe and calming space for me to exist in for a few minutes.

Anyway, just a random quirk about my day I wanted to share. But it does make me curious, what are some of the coping mechanisms (musically or otherwise) that you use to get through it all?

Arrrrgh

To clarify, the title isn’t an extortion of frustration or anger. Rather, it’s me yelling out as a way to steel myself, to push myself, to confront the challenges in front of me. Like a weightlifter, I’m yelling out as a way to push myself to just do it, take on the challenge.

I’m already picturing the conversation with my wife. So I finally came forward that I think I’m poly. I’m pretty sure this is how I feel, how I’ve felt for a long time. But then, for reasons we both agreed to, unspoken and not, we’ve back burnered the discussion and let the matter rest.

But now, eventually, it’ll be time to pick the conversation back up. And I can imagine her asking me “Is this really what you want?” And I think that she wants me to be able to answer resolutely, yes, this is indeed what I want. And that I can tell her that with confidence and conviction.

But I’m legitimately terrified. I’m terrified of saying yes, and what that will mean. I’m terrified of how deeply that may hurt her. I’m terrified of all that that one word might cost me of what I already have.

So if this is so hard and so scary, then why do it?
Because I might not have a choice otherwise. This might be who I actually am.

I think that someday I might actually get to the place that I say yes, this is what I want. Yes, I need this to truly be happy. Yes, I know that I am risking everything by saying yes.

I want her to know, to truly know, that I will always be there for her, that none of this is to replace her or that she is failing in some way. That she will always have a place in my heart, a central place, a supremely important place. But I’m finding that my heart has a need larger than any one relationship. And that’s just the reality of who I am.

So do I push our relationship off of a cliff?  Because once this declaration is out there, this concrete statement of need, there’s no pulling it back. The relationship as it was ends. One way or another, it ends. Hopefully it ends in a way that builds a newer and more honest relationship between her and I. But that’s but one possibility. It ends, no matter what. And it might not end well.

So now the question is really about is it if, or when? If I tell her this, that yes, this is what I need. Or when I tell her.

Look out below…