Well, this weekend sure didn’t go as expected. The wife has been out of town on and off for awhile for family, and the weekend was shaping up to be a quiet, dull, and somewhat restful weekend.
But then, as I was running errands and sitting down to lunch Saturday, my wife texted me and let me know that she was having a really difficult time. As we texted back and forth, and I ate my lunch quickly, in my head I was already cataloging what I needed to grab from home for me and the dog so that we could get in the car and be there for her.
As I got to the house, she stated that she didn’t want me to have to drive all the way (7-8 hours each direction), especially when we’re traveling to the same place next weekend for a wedding. I told her that it wasn’t even a question, that pup and I are already on our way, and we’ll be there as soon as we can.
Over the past few months I’ve been going to therapy, and in working on myself I’ve also counterintuitively become better with others. This past week my Amazon order of the poly guide book More Than Two came in and I’ve also been devouring that in my quiet evenings while I’ve had the house to myself.
Yes, I want a poly relationship, it’s what feels like the best vision of my happiness, but I also know that this is scary and perhaps a bridge too far for my wife. As More Than Two has done a great job explaining, most fears or restrictions in a relationship actually have a much more fundamental issue to them, different than the item being discussed.
With my wife’s trepidation, I can guess that some of it stems from a concern that she will no longer be important to me, that I won’t support her in the way she needs. What I want to get across to her is that she isn’t going anywhere, she’s not losing my heart, my affection, or my love. She is still the first woman I fell in love with, my partner through thick and thin, and the woman I married.
I didn’t get in the car today hoping that if I do this for her, maybe she’ll feel obliged to me; that she owes me. I got in the car because I knew she needed me. I got in the car because I wanted to do whatever I could to support her, even if it was a temporary burden on me. Our relationship isn’t about who owes who, it’s about how can we build a happy, healthy, loving, and supportive life for each other, together.
Yes, if someday I also have a girlfriend in addition to our marriage, it’s true that I’ll owe my time in an additional way. And that sometimes my attention will be elsewhere. But that doesn’t mean she will be pushed out or won’t be important.
In all honesty, with the yearning I have for new experiences, for NRE, for additional connections, I think having these things will make me happier to be around, with more energy, more passion, and more excitement that I can share with everyone. Not only that, but she’d have a special place that no one else could, because she was the one that chose to love me and to trust me enough to put her faith in me and agree to open up what we had previously agreed was a monogamous relationship.
So no, please understand that I didn’t do this today to get anything from you. I did this because I love you. I have, and I always will.
justaspacecadet 