Monogamy By Default

Until very recently, monogamy was all I expected of myself, the only future I could foresee. It was the only future I thought I wanted, because I didn’t know I could have anything else.

I’m not one who fails for confidence, but I have always struggled with agency. Lots of things that are very normal, very common things in life seem like they’re something that everyone else does, but not me. In college, my roommates went to a pet shop to get a hamster for our apartment. I loved the little girl and eventually took ownership of her, and was so glad to have her. 

Honestly, it never occurred to me that I could just go get a pet if I wanted one. I was 20, and it wasn’t something I would’ve done. It just didn’t occur to be something I could do.

The same things happened to me when I rented my first apartment on my own and bought my first car. Both times, it was as if I was having an out of body experience. It couldn’t be me that was taking this action, that’s not what happens to me.

It’s hard to explain, but as I said, it mostly boils down to a sense of agency, believing (or not) that I control my actions and choose what happens in my life.

I’ve gotten better at this, I feel like I’m improving. I suppose I found a sense of agency, considering I summoned the strength to tell my wife that I wanted more than our relationship as it was, that there was something more I felt I needed. Even though one of my biggest fears is losing her, I had to push through that to be honest with who I am and what I think I need to be happy.