Arrrrgh

To clarify, the title isn’t an extortion of frustration or anger. Rather, it’s me yelling out as a way to steel myself, to push myself, to confront the challenges in front of me. Like a weightlifter, I’m yelling out as a way to push myself to just do it, take on the challenge.

I’m already picturing the conversation with my wife. So I finally came forward that I think I’m poly. I’m pretty sure this is how I feel, how I’ve felt for a long time. But then, for reasons we both agreed to, unspoken and not, we’ve back burnered the discussion and let the matter rest.

But now, eventually, it’ll be time to pick the conversation back up. And I can imagine her asking me “Is this really what you want?” And I think that she wants me to be able to answer resolutely, yes, this is indeed what I want. And that I can tell her that with confidence and conviction.

But I’m legitimately terrified. I’m terrified of saying yes, and what that will mean. I’m terrified of how deeply that may hurt her. I’m terrified of all that that one word might cost me of what I already have.

So if this is so hard and so scary, then why do it?
Because I might not have a choice otherwise. This might be who I actually am.

I think that someday I might actually get to the place that I say yes, this is what I want. Yes, I need this to truly be happy. Yes, I know that I am risking everything by saying yes.

I want her to know, to truly know, that I will always be there for her, that none of this is to replace her or that she is failing in some way. That she will always have a place in my heart, a central place, a supremely important place. But I’m finding that my heart has a need larger than any one relationship. And that’s just the reality of who I am.

So do I push our relationship off of a cliff?  Because once this declaration is out there, this concrete statement of need, there’s no pulling it back. The relationship as it was ends. One way or another, it ends. Hopefully it ends in a way that builds a newer and more honest relationship between her and I. But that’s but one possibility. It ends, no matter what. And it might not end well.

So now the question is really about is it if, or when? If I tell her this, that yes, this is what I need. Or when I tell her.

Look out below…