So, I already know I don’t want a veto, I don’t want to be subject to a veto, and I don’t want anyone I care about to be subject to a veto. The entire idea that people could have such crucial decisions made for them, dictated to them, is not okay. I won’t agree to it.
But, even though I knew I felt this way, I still wanted to read the chapter on Veto anyway to gain a fuller understanding and perspective on the matter. And while reading this section, something hit me in a separate but important way.
One of the strongest counter arguments to a veto is that why would you want to deny someone you love from happiness? If they are in a relationship with someone else, particularly in a circumstance in which you might not be thrilled about it, the fact that they still want to stay in that relationship demonstrates that it provides them with something and has real value to them. Instead of imposing your unilateral will upon the two of them and ending things, wouldn’t it be better to talk openly with your partner about what it is that is upsetting you, what he feels he gains from the other relationship, and how you two might better be able to make the arrangement work?
In short, if this makes your partner happy, and you love your partner and want him to be happy, then you should communicate with him, not decide for him. That’s the essence of one argument against vetoes.
For me, this lays out a similar analogy for my entire relationship with my spouse. I’m pretty quickly coming to terms with the fact that I am poly; it’s how I feel, it’s who I am. I can make decisions about my actions, but I’m going to feel what I feel.
My wife (it seems to both of us, at present) is inclined entirely towards monogamy. The idea of engaging in other arrangements seems unnatural to her, certainly not something she’s sought out.
Perhaps you see the analogy now.
I believe that exploring and practicing a poly lifestyle would make me happier. I am not unhappy now, but I could be happier. I hope that after much communication, trust building, love, and support, my wife will be able to get to a place in which she doesn’t oppose* the opportunity for me to be poly because she understands that it would bring me additional happiness. I, for my part, want to figure this out in a way by which we work out together how this might take place. I don’t intend to throw up my hands and say “you said I could be poly, so now I can do anything I want and you have to support it!” No, not at all like that.
Let’s not approach any of this from a veto mindset, that we have to restrain or force decisions on the other. Let’s instead talk openly and truthfully about what we can and cannot handle, and what we want for our respective future happiness.
*When I first wrote this, I naturally wrote it as “she doesn’t restrict me”. But right away that struck me as wrong somehow. So I sat with it, I mulled it over for a moment, and then I realized that she can’t do anything to force my actions, I choose how I will act and I have to own up to that. This was a big step for me in self-actualization. I realize now, it’s been bored into me, that I have to own my decisions and my experiences, good and bad, as things I choose and things I consent to. Definitely didn’t have this perspective before very recently. Personal growth!
justaspacecadet 